An Orc's Story

by Bob the Orc

I guess I'm just really disappointed in Sauron. I mean, I trusted his all-seeing eye. I believed the prophecy: that he would root out the elves, the hobbits, the deep state pedophile Democrats, the globalist bankers, and Nancy Pelosi. (I know, I know, I'm repeating myself. Everyone knows that elves are pedophiles and hobbits are bankers. I get it. Give me a break, okay? It's been a rough few weeks.) 

I've always thought of myself as a seeker. Even as a young orc, bred from subterranean heat and slime in the bowels of a Midwestern swing state, I knew I was different. At breakfast, I studied the cereal box for secret messages. My doodles made the school therapist nervous. Mom worried, but Dad never said a word, just clanked off to work with his spiked club and briefcase. And when he came home, smeared with the ichor of his enemies, he was too tired to talk about Count Chocula's real vision for America.

I tried to fit in. Like any orc, I got an M.B.A., started a family, posted memes about immigrants, crushed the skulls of the weak. But my heart wasn't really in it. I just felt like I was waiting, you know? Hatred was easy, bullying came naturally, but what was it all for? I just felt empty inside.  

And then my eyes were opened. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. Orcs are stupid, right? Seen one orc, you've seen them all? Warts, bad skin, and fangs? Well, that's a stereotype, my friend, foisted on America by George Soros and his Hollywood media puppeteers. We orcs are the real victims, if you ask me, and warts are very treatable, and I'm just as smart as any elf and definitely as smart as some hobbits, which is not a fair comparison anyway because inbreeding has made them way smarter, especially the Ashkenazi hobbits. That's what I heard, anyway.

Besides, it's not about being smart. It's about where you get your information. I do my own research, and the stuff I've found is just unbelievable. Like the fact that Hollywood celebrities regularly harvest adrenalin from the brains of slaughtered infants, just to synthesize and inject life-prolonging adrenochrome. Like the interdimensional demons who depend on the human blood and flesh supply chain. And the lizard-human hybrids, such as Stephen Miller. (I guess some of the the lizard people are on our side. I mean, I'm cool with it. At this point, we need all the help we can get.)

Anyway, once the light bulb went on, I was like a brand-new orc.  For one thing, my engagement numbers just shot up. Used to be, I'd post something, and it was just crickets. Just another late night, Cheryl and the kids asleep and me in front of the computer with an economy-sized tub of Compound W for company. But now I was more than an authority: I was an admin. I mean, I saw things no one else did, and people respected that, and the emojis just poured in. I had fans, too. Boner4ThaStorm and AsKKKillary always commented, and I think NaziChemtrailVaxMom might have been flirting with me. I'm not sure, though. 

At last, I was somebody. Actually, I was more than somebody: I was anonymous. 

I'll be the first to admit that things got pretty tough on the home front. Even my kids were like, God, Dad, will you put down the phone? (Now, there's an irony!) My wife and I argued all the time over stupid little things, like how many cans of bear spray is "too many," or whether "seditious conspiracy" is a real thing, or whether it would kill my shaman friend to use a little deodorant. My neighbors just turned away, or they said things like For Christ's sake, Bob, my elderly, immunocompromised mother lives with us, could you at least put your mask on? Even my own mother won't talk to me. "That son is no orc of mine," she told Cheryl. She calls me a "couch potato jihadi." I'm like, Mom, seriously? Oh, and I lost my job in the private prison industry. Apparently my tweets were too much, even for them.

Which brings me back to Sauron. All I can say is, what the hell happened? Did I miss the Great Awakening? Was I wrong to believe that the Storm would sweep our enemies from the land? I won't lie--I've had my doubts before, especially after Saruman and Steve Bannon left the Administration, and Pope Francis was never arrested on felony charges, and Hillary was never sent to Guantanamo, and Sauron's enemies were never rounded up in mass arrests and executed...Still, I kept the faith. I wanted to make Mordor great again.

Well, you know the rest. January 6th, a brief shining moment for demorcracy: shut down. Fizzled. Derailed. The gallows unused. Then Jack Dorsey deactivated Sauron's all-seeing eye, and Sauron left for Florida, and well, it's all been downhill from there. I mean, I could almost puke. All this work, just to be ruled by the oldest elf in the history of the office! I'm not sure what's next. I guess I'll just try to remember all the friends and happy memories we made together over the past few years.